New Convenience Store Worker……it’s gonna be a good day…

It doesn’t matter which Japanese Combini (Convenience Store) you go into…

The end result is always the same:

You enter the store, the door bell goes off and you instantly hear “Irashaimase” (Welcome) from every person that works there.

You get what you want and proceed to the counter.

If you have only one item they ask do you want a seal? (a little sticker with the store name on it) if you say no they ask do you want a bag? Since there are only 2 choices I would just reach for a bag after a “No” for the seal. If it is a new person I say no to the bag as well. This causes the time/space continuum to become imbalanced, because in the “How to be Japanese” manual it does not address the double no answer.  Kind of like the “No Cheese Button”. So sometimes I say no to the bag and then grab the item and quickly hand them money or I’ll say yes to the bag and then grab the item and quickly hand them money. Why Quickly? If I don’t do it quickly they loop back to “Do you want a seal……”

If you get several items they will automatically put it all in a plastic bag, put the two handles together, give them a double twist and hand you the bag. You then give them the money. You hold out your hand for the change and they lay the bills on your hand followed by the receipt and then the coins. I have one hand holding a bag already and now I need two hands. Now I have to put the bag down grab the coins. Put them in the front left pocket. Throw the receipt on the counter. Put the bills in the wallet and then the wallet in the back pocket. Get the bag a second time and leave. Believe me this only happened once cause now I refuse to take the bag until I’m ready. They try to stand the bag up…it falls over. They try to lay the bag on its side it rolls over. The whole time I am chuckling to myself.

After a few of my visits they start to use their heads a little. Every couple of months though it’s fun for me.

No Cheese Button?

Forced to eat at the biggest fast food chain in the world for anything but breakfast to me REALLY SUCKS!

Today would be different, today would be fun.

As usual the register girl saw me (a Foreigner) and instantly went from smiling to terrorized.

I ordered a Chicken Sandwich set but with Cheese. Chicken Sandwiches here don’t come with Cheese.

Inside her little fragile eggshell mind, she was in the fetal position. Thumb in mouth asking for her Mommy. Red heels nervously clicking together.

After vigorously searching the register she nervously replied “You can’t get cheese on chicken.”

I asked “Why not?”

She softly mumbled in a scared voice “No Cheese button”

I replied “No Cheese button?”

She softly mumbled in a scared voice again “No Cheese button”

I replied “I need to talk to the manager please” I think that statement made her day.

She ran to the back and got the the Manager. They always run.

Manager: “How can I help?” Means she just ran back and said a customer needs to talk to you.

I replied “I want a Chicken Sandwich set with cheese”

After vigorously searching the register he too nervously replied “You can’t get Cheese on a chicken sandwich.”

I asked “Why not?” By now the line behind me is getting long. The people behind me are starting to literally rally behind me.

One of them says “Why can’t you get Cheese on a Chicken Sandwich?”  Another one says “That’s Stupid”

I then said “O.K. I will order an additional Cheeseburger and instead of putting the Cheese on the burger (Wink! Wink!) just put the cheese on the Chicken Sandwich”

He replied ” Can’t no Cheese Button”

I Said “You have to to be shitting me”  He didn’t understand! Keep in mind I had about 12 to 15 people behind me Literally!!

Again he replied ” No Cheese Button”

Then I said “If you don’t put that Cheese on the Chicken Sandwich and not the Cheeseburger then I an going to stand here, ask for a fork and scrap the Cheese off the burger and onto my Chicken Sandwich” He said nothing and went to the back.

I got the order, checked it and sure as shit “No Cheese on the Chicken.”

I Politely asked for a for a fork and proceeded to transfer the Cheese from the burger to the Chicken Sandwich!

NO CHEESE BUTTON!!

WTF!!

The way it’s always been

1. Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

2. As soon as the ape touches the stairs, spray all the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result – all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

3. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays at them.

4. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

5. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

6. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

7. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced.

Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

Typical Japanese answer: I don’t know, uh, er, BECAUSE that’s the way it’s always been………………….

If Japan were to have a mission statement, this would have to be it!!!!!

As this blog progresses I will explain how and why I think my previous statement is true in a comical style.

This blog will make you laugh, I promise. It might offend some people but BALANCE (　バランス )　is good, just ask any Japanese person.

My next post will be “My first Misconception ….”