My first misconception
The Engineering Company I was working at was contacted by a Japanese Engineering company because they had just received their first project from an American car company. They needed help because the software they were required to use for the project was very old and outdated, the kind of software that put men in space originally. Not many people on the planet know how to use this DOS based typing intensive extinct software. The project required us to work with the Japanese Engineers at their new office in America and then go to Japan for a couple months to implement the software, get the machine running and help until the machine was purchased by the customer. I was ecstatic thinking about a free vacation in Japan for a couple months. I love anything that is free. My favorite beer is free beer any brand I don’t care. So the project began….
They all seemed like nice people. They were all quiet and timid. All seemed to be how I heard Japanese people were supposed to be you know…. honorable, truthful, dedicated, meticulous, unrelenting, honest, courteous, sensible and intelligent.
The Japanese players: (Names have been changed to protect the guilty)
1. Mr. Smoke-a-bowl…… (The Japanese General) – A feeble little ass kisser of a project manager. The Master of the GANTT chart. After working with Mr. Smoke-a-bowl I realized the meaning of “It’s not what you know so much as it is who you blow!“ Now Mr. Smoke-a-bowl’s nickname I gave him had nothing to do with smoking, it was just the fact that if you remove the Sm and the wl from his nickname it was his actual name pretty much.
2. Fugu…….(Mr. Smoke-a-bowl’s Underling – Quite obviously promoted by his incompetence) – Just like his name sake he is transparent in character certainly not worth the money you pay to get it…and after you try it once you never need to try it again because the reward doesn’t justify the cost, not only did this greasy Jabba-The Hutt look alike think he was worthy of a MENSA membership, he also reckoned himself as a ladies man (based on the fact that he would always boast about getting a different 18 or 19 yr old girl every weekend…….Of course these girls were rented by the hour at a SOAPLAND (Whore House), which places these girls somewhere between a crack whore and a concubine on the Evolutionary food chain of life)
3. Sulu…….(Fugu`s Underling) Yep looked just like Mr. Sulu (George Takei) from the original Star Trek. As the original Mr. Sulu is a gay man, my Mr.Sulu was not!! No, not gay at all…a few years later this brazen little prick actually stood next to me and my former Mrs. at one of my favorite watering holes and tried to pick her up knowing full well she was my Mrs. My first thought was to punch him but I was in no physical danger and thought that Mr.Sulu was just another one of the many Ass nuggets I had/would and will encounter in Japan.
4. Cherry Boy…….(Everyone’s Underling, 24 yrs old never been with a girl kinda Underling) Deathly quiet and withdrawn when sober. Shockingly loud and obnoxious when drinking. Usually ended up with his pants around his ankles at some point in the evening when we went out drinking. At least he was always good for a laugh at his own expense.
5. Samurai………. (Young flamer fresh out of Technical High School) This in Japan instantly makes you an Engineer. It would be physically impossible for this limp wrist homo to be more feminine. Although worthless as an Engineer, he did an outstanding job at fetching our lunch everyday! Everyone has known a guy like this before…You know the guy.. Maybe every Tuesday you and your coworker friends plan to go out for a few cold ones, no one ever asks him to go but he shows up every time. Same guy!
After working with the first 4 mentioned Japanese engineers in America for 2 months it was time to go to Japan to get the machine up and running.
After arriving in Japan we had about 2 1/2 months to get it going before the 1 week of buy-off. Buy-off is where the end customer comes in and tries everything they can think of to cause problems and find faults the machine can’t recover from automatically. Severe tests drive of sorts!
We had a lot of work to do and very little time to do it in. Mr. Smoke-a-bowl being the DaVinci of the GANTT chart had sequenced out every single aspect of the project and when it should be finished exactly to the half day! Must have taken him 3 weeks to finish this masterpiece! It was brilliant! I had never seen anything so meticulously crafted and worthless in all my life! He forgot to include toilet breaks by he way. The first week in Japan had drawn to a close and there still were no Misconceptions.
The second week started with no great fanfare, come to work finish off what was expected and of course the 3pm visit everyday from Mr. Smoke-a-bowl asking everyone working to “Please teach me your progress“ which actually sounded to me like “pureezu teechameyrrr puloguresu“. The first time he asked me I thought he sounded like a shit salesman with a mouthful of samples. I would have better luck trying to decipher Eddie Vedder lyrics than make out the words he just puked on me. Did Mr. Smoke-a-bowl go to the Stevie Nicks School of mumbling?
Then it started…maybe it was the 7th or 8th day in Japan but Mr. Smoke-a-bowl came down for his daily exactly at 3pm debriefing and just decided to cut into a conversation several engineers were involved in.
He didn’t wait for a pause in the conversation. He didn’t wait for anyone to acknowledge his presence.
No he just cut in with his “pureezu teechameyrrr puloguresu“ Not a hello, konichi wa or even a kiss my ass!
Honeymoon is now officially over….
Well as fate would have it on that particular day we found some mechanical problems with the machine and couldn’t make any progress.(caused by their Japanese Mechanical Engineers no less).
I explained this to him and that instead of 2 steps forward we actually went 1 step backwards.
His response was “Must report progress“ again I repeated myself on the days events and again his response was “Must report progress“!! I tried one more time to explain the circumstances but he insisted that he “Must report progress“ I in turn said then write down whatever you want.
No manners and no Sense WTF??
Must report progress why?
Because the Gantt chart says we make progress and because its always been that way!
Courtesy and Sensibility were the first casualties……..My first Misconceptions………..Not the last thou…..oh no there were many more to follow
Comicus in Japan 